The Point of Contact

Imagine there’s a knock at your door right now.

You go and answer it.

It’s your mother.

How do you react? Not how should you react, but how would you really react?

Now imagine that happening all over except instead of your mother it’s your ex-lover.

How do you react? Feel it. What is your knee-jerk reaction?

Now imagine it again, instead of your ex-lover, it’s a policewoman.

How do you react? Really. What would your first reaction be?

Now do it again.

Knock knock.

You walk over and it’s a singing telegram with balloons, flowers, and a box of chocolates.

How do you react?

The point of contact with anything is the most important moment.

Two objects collide and whether they shatter, ricochet, or merge all depends on the moment of contact and what happens there.

I’m utterly fascinated with the moments of contact with our hungers.

There is so much to learn about what happens when one of our hungers knocks on the door and we answer it. Or maybe we don’t. Maybe we peer through the keyhole and decide to remain silent and still. Hoping it thinks we’re not home and goes away.

Maybe we answer and with tears of joy pick up the hunger and spin it around in our arms as though Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes has just bestowed a windfall upon us.

Or we might open the door but as soon as our hunger speaks we plug our ears and say “Lalalalalalalala” in attempt not hear what it has to say.

It could be as simple as opening and shutting the door, with a quick ‘no thank you’ in between.

I offer you this meditative inquiry:

What is happening at the point of contact with my hunger or hungers?

If it played in slow motion, could I see and feel the moment of contact? Could I feel what happens next?

A Weightless Year

Fact: my coaching clients send the nicest cards.

Fact: this card moved me to tears.

Dear Sweet Rachel,

It was exactly one year ago that you and I had a one-on-one. You may or may not remember that you presented me with a challenge. The challenge was to not weigh myself for one year. I remember at the time being overwhelmed with the challenge, especially given that I had purchased a scale several weeks before our chat. But after our call I made the decision to trust the process and stay away from weighing myself. So here we are, a year later, and to date I haven’t stepped on the scale. I just wanted to thank you – this past year has been quite the journey and I’ve just barely begun. I am grateful for you, your dedication to the work that God has designed you for!

xoxo

It’s updates like this that reinvigorate me and rekindle my fire for calling us forth into Well-Fed living.

I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating: what we weigh is useless information. It tells us nothing of value. Just about everything worth knowing comes from inside of us. Knowing our weight is rarely ever about well-being. We step on the scale to measure our worth, to gauge how out of control we are (or feel) in our lives, and to help us make decisions we’re afraid to let our bodies make.

If you didn’t know what you weighed, what would happen? How would you know when to eat and when to stop eating? How would you know when to move your body and when to rest? How would you know if you were enough or too much?

You would listen. Ear to yourself and you’d hear “Feast. Rest. Trust.”

You would listen. Ear to your heart and you’d hear “You are enough, never more, never less.”

The scale takes you away from yourself. Giving it up brings you home.

The Five Languages of Body Love

Have you heard of The Five Love Languages?

I’m guessing yes given the best-seller status of the book, but if not, here’s the rundown.

Gary Chapman, the author, posits that there are five ways that we can show love to each other, and especially toward a romantic partner: through gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, act of service, and physical touch.

The idea is that each of us has a dominant love language, or way we are best able to receive love. If our partner shows their love in a language we don’t ‘speak’ well then we might end up feeling uncared for or unloved. The trick, Chapman argues, is to understand each others love language and do our best to communicate accordingly. Some people feel loved when they are given quality time while others interpret physical touch or gifts as an affirmative signs.

I think this theory has a lot of value AND I think we need to take it with a big grain of salt. I’m not sure that love can be simplified so easily, but it’s valuable to note that we all experience it uniquely.

Switching subjects for a minute, let's talk about our bodies and how we feel about them. It's a pretty body-unfriendly swamp that we're swimming in. Everywhere you look are shame-inducing messages, overt and subliminal, targeted at our natural and diverse forms.

As a life coach and woman who seeks to practice self-acceptance and respect, I know just how much our relationship with our body determines how fulfilling our life is overall. Seriously, what's possible for a woman who is body-respectful is two-fold to what's possible to those ensnared in body-loathing.

So what does body love and The Five Languages of Love have to do with each other?

A lot. I’ve noticed that there are periods when we either communicate with our body through only one language or not through the language our body is asking us to love it through. To explore this further, here are the questions I began to ask myself and that you might find useful.

Gifts

Do I give my body gifts? Do I find yourself making kind purchases with my body’s care in mind? What’s the last gift I gave my body?

Quality Time

Do I give my body my time? Do I leave space in my life for my body to be heard and cared for? When is the last time I spent quality time with my body?

Words of Affirmation

Do I speak kindly towards my body? Are the messages I surround my body with respectful and/or loving? What’s the last generous and sweet thing I said to my body?

Acts of Service

Do I consider myself my body’s advocate and caregiver? When was the last time I went out of my way to do something for my body?

Physical Touch

Do I lay my hands on my own flesh? Do I do so with love? Do I provide my body with opportunities for caring and loving touch from another? When was the last time my body felt that it had been touched “enough” or to the point of “fullness”?

This line of inquiry was powerful for me and it opened me up to all the ways I could expand my body-love practice. So interesting to see where we easily give love and where we have blind spots. If you want to communicate your body through a broader range of love languages, here are a few ideas:

Gifts

Purchase a foam roller and use it to loosen up with myofacial release.

Treat your body to a coveted care product, be it lotion, massage oil, or scented soap.

Offer your body clothing that makes you feel good, comfortable, and stylish.

Quality Time

Dedicate 10 minutes in the morning to scanning your body with presence and curiosity.

Allow your body to write you a letter in your journal.

Take a nap, regularly.

Words of Affirmation

Commit to one day of body-respectful talk towards yourself.

Put up affirming words on your walls, bathroom mirror, or refrigerator door.

Come up with a mantra to recite every time you are feeling anything less than loving towards your body.

Acts of Service

Advocate for your body to another. Make a request. Make your body’s desires known.

Cook for your body. Prepare food that delights all your senses and your belly.

Take your body to see the doctor or dentist for a routine check-up.

Physical Touch

Massage yourself with sesame oil after a shower.

Try out a new type of bodywork, such as craniosacral or Thai massage.

Make love to yourself or with a partner.

The trick here, if this inquiry interests you, is to explore what makes your body feel loved?

Hungry for the Impossible

“What if what I’m hungry for isn’t possible?”

This is a question I get asked not infrequently.

In fact, in a recent survey, over 50% of my followers reported having this question.

To start, let me say that it is possible. It truly is.

If that's all you needed to hear, off you go. If you want a few more thoughts, read on.

The people who have the greatest percentage of their hungers satiated are those who embrace, honor, and pursue being well-fed.  If you believe it’s not possible to have what you want, then your actions (or rather inactions) follow this story and the result is a hungry life.

And when we have a hunger that we falsely believe isn’t possible to satiate we often numb it through food, sex, shopping, drugs, exercise, television, or some other means of distraction. The result is that not only does the true hunger not get fed, but the numbing bleeds out and blocks other wise messages that are trying to reach us.

The truth is that what we hunger for is always available, just maybe not in the form we expect.

This is why it’s important to separate primary hungers from secondary hungers.

For example, if we think we’re hungry for our mother’s love, but our mother isn’t alive anymore, instead of throwing our hands up and saying “oh well, guess I’ll never have what I'm hungry for” we can peel back the surface layer (our secondary hunger) and look at what’s below (our primary hunger). In this case, it might be a hunger for care, or a maternal figure in our life, or guidance, or to be held. When we look at the primary hungers, we can then begin to look for all the ways that are possible to satisfy them.

The things that we all truly hunger for, such as affection, creative expression, comfort, meaning, time in nature, and so forth–these things exist in abundance if we’re open to them taking a different form than we might expect.

I’ve yet to meet a hunger that wasn’t possible.

I’ve met surface hungers that were masking root hungers. I’ve met hungers that called the person out of their comfort zone. I’ve met hungers we didn’t yet know how to communicate to others or satiate ourselves. I’ve met hungers that we can’t satisfy instantaneously. I've met hungers that didn't have a safe enough environment, one without a thick layer of judgement, to make themselves known.

What I have never ever met is an impossible hunger.

If your hunger feels impossible, here are some reflections to explore:

Am I in touch with my primary hunger? Have I dug into what I'm TRULY hungry for?

Do I feel ashamed about what I'm hungry for?

Do I feel at a loss for how to feed my hunger? (quite different than a hunger being impossible to feed)

Do I simply feel impatient for my hunger to be fed?

Has anyone else ever had this hunger and satiated it? Who? What steps did they take?

Terms of Endearment

I want to show you something. There’s this amazing transformation I’ve been witness to. I wish I could show it to you. What I want to capture is what happens to a woman’s face, body, and whole being when I ask her to identify a meaningful and resonate term of endearment for herself.

As part of some retreats that I’ve lead, after delving into our inner critic, I have each woman identify and share a name for herself that elicits love, safety, and adoration.

First they journal to themselves, listing all the names that might be fit. Tossing out the ones that feel cloying or inauthentic. Considering the things only their inner circle calls them or perhaps a childhood nickname. They weigh “Lovely” with “Beloved” and “Sweetheart” with “Sweetness.”

They are looking for the moment their body says “Yes. that’s it. That’s us. Let’s curl up with that one.” Many of them know they’ve found their term of endearment when tears well in their eyes.

I’ve heard it all, from "My Love" to "Darling" or "Pumpkin." From "Cookie" to "Sarah-Loo" or "Babygirl."

There’s a name for everyone that calls us home.

Once they’ve got it, we go around the room and share. As we move from feeling our patterns of self-abuse to the healing that comes from self-kindness, the women I work with change right before my eyes. It’s a pretty remarkable thing to watch. They change and the room changes. What had been a circle of sadness, grief, and angst becomes one of delight, compassion, and understanding.

Having a name, rooted in love, to call ourselves gives us a foothold. When we’re in pain or feeling disconnected all we need to is reach for this name and it brings us back. It's a name that embraces us.

Having a term of endearment for ourselves helps to build safety and intimacy in the most important relationship we’ll ever have: us with ourselves. me with me. you with you.

If you want to experience the power of this practice, next time you catch yourself with a self-directed whip in your hand, next time you’re body is contracted from shame or insecurity, go find a mirror and greet yourself.

Look into your own eyes and call out the name that only means “I love you. Yes, you. I love you”

You're Not Needy, You're Starving

You are not needy. You are starving.

A while back I was working with a client and we began to talk about the prospect of her finding a post-divorce relationship.

She shared her fear that she’d be too needy.

I’ve heard this before. Many times.

And I say: NO. You are not needy, you’re starving.

This client had a 5 year old boy.

I explained it to her like this...

If her son skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner and then said “Mommy, I’m too needy for food.” I know she’d reply:

“No sweetheart, you aren’t needy at all, you’re very hungry. You haven't gotten what you need. Now let’s get you something delicious to eat.”

Something about this needy feeling has us feeling like it’s bottomless, insatiable. That no matter how much we “eat” we’ll never be fed.

Not so. I speak from experience. Mine and many of my clients.

Yes, it feels like we’ll never get enough.  Just like, when we are starving for food, at first, we think we really could eat the whole kitchen. Not so in either case.

We can find satiation. Here are just a few things I often hear women saying they are too needy for:

love, being seen (often confused with attention), touch (the way they uniquely like it), affection + adoration, being desired, a circle of women friends, companionship, being listened to + feeling understood, validation…

You’re not needy. You’re starving.

You certainly do not want for too much.

These are all entirely normal, natural, its-your-birth-right, your-parents-probably-didn’t-give-you-enough things.

So you’re starving.

That’s okay.

You can begin there. Begin bit by bit. or bite by bite.

Begin by renaming this 'neediness' with a more accurate term: hunger.

Begin by asking for what you want.

Begin by honoring your hunger and by feeding yourself.

Begin by receiving the cravings with kindness, instead of shame.

This hunger of yours. It’s so very wise.

You’re not needy. You’re simply starving.

Now darling, let’s get you something delicious to eat.

Note: I use the word ‘starving’ here to refer to often first-world emotional deprivation. Not to be confused with actual lack of nutrition needed for physical survival, which is a very real problem in our world.

In Praise of Safety

Social media abounds with images of softly lit, sunrise horizons with the words "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" emblazoned across the sky. Or perhaps it's a mountain peak behind text that says "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."

I believe life begins inside of our comfort zones and only when we feel safe enough to stretch out does life (and our comfort zone) expand.

I am simply a huge fan of everyone feeling safe and I think safety has become linked up with weakness.

In contrast, I have seen how safety allows us to blossom. I believe that feeling safe is a prerequisite for connection, learning, relationship, growth, and for feeding our hungers. The only time I have ever been able to heal or grow is when I first felt safe. The only times I’ve been able to hear my own hungers calling for me is when I created a safe space for them. The only times when I’ve been able to ask another to feed me is when I feel safe with them.

It’s true that we often want or need to do things that aren’t safe or don’t feel safe. Taking the stage. Quitting the job. Asking someone out on a date. Trying something new and unknown. It’s my experience though, that we have to feel a level of safety first. It’s also my experience that many of us tolerate lives, situations, and relationships in which we are not safe to be who we are, want what we want, and say what we think and feel. This needs to change.

Needing safety does not a weak person make. It’s okay to value safety. In fact, it's imperative. It’s okay to ask someone to create a safer space for you. It’s okay to remove yourself when you don’t feel safe. When we feel safe enough, we can sail away from the harbor.

I'll leave you with a few questions for us to ponder:

Where in my life don’t I feel safe?

What factors create a sense of safety for me?

What would change if I felt a greater level of safety to be who I am, want what I want, and say what I think and feel?

Who don’t I feel safe around?

Who could I offer more safety to?

How could I offer myself more safety from which I could try new things?

Where am I pushing myself too far outside of my safety zone?

May we all be safe.

Change How You See Weight Change

Here are just some of the factors related to weight fluctuations:

Metabolic changes , hormonal changes, side effects from medication , pregnancy, socio-economic class shifts, restricted & binge eating, grief & trauma, stress, returning to or away from intuitive eating, injury, changes in activity, depression, happiness, hydration, puberty, menopause, genetics…

Of these, only pregnancy in a thinner body can be seen with our eyes. I had a client who, over the past few years, had gained weight. I can tell you that at least five of the above factors were present in her life.

She came to our session stressed about running into an ex-boyfriend and wondering how she’d explain her weight gain to him. She doesn’t have to. She doesn’t have to justify the change in weight at all. And while people will assume to know why someone weighs what they weigh, you know what they say about that.

What really matters, for my client and for all of us is this: sovereignty. What matters is having a body and life that is our own. What matters is having the freedom to experience life’s inevitable shifts.

Weight changes. It changes daily, weekly, annually, and throughout our entire life. It’s normal. It’s human. Our society shames bodies for sure, but we shame bodies who change weight even more. Unless of course we idolize and worship the change (almost always a weight loss).

I want to make crystal clear: Weight changes. You don’t have to explain it. You don’t have to justify your weight or anything else about your body. Let your body finds it’s way. Oh, and try not to assume why someone else’s weight has changed. We really never know.

Meditations for Sunrise & Sunset

I used to teach a course called Ease Hunting: Six Weeks of Discovering Every Exhale. The program included lessons, live calls, an ease scavenger hunt, expert interviews, and two guided audio meditations all aimed at supporting the hunters in discovering an easeful way of being, no matter what life was throwing their way. It was truly beautiful. One participant described it as "A yoga class for your mind."

The Ease Hunting course isn't offered anymore but each of us continues to seek ease in our own ways. In support of your hunt I'm sharing the two Ease Hunting meditations. These recordings, one for morning and one for evening, are simple 10 minute opportunities to recenter and rest. They were among the Ease Hunters favorite parts of their experience. Here are a few of their words:

"I've been using the PM mediation every day, and I'm going to keep using it. I loved that I could download the meditations onto my phone. That made it easy to listen to them on the go and also as I was falling asleep. Doing 15 minutes every day has definitely impacted my ease levels."

"I liked having the meditations as a go-to if I needed them...when I did need them, they were both helpful and I'm grateful to have them as a tool in my toolbox. There was one morning in particular where I was fretting, and I said "ah, we have a tool for this: AM meditation." I did it, and the fretting subsided and made way for some ease."

If you're needing a little more ease in your life or a supportive, simple way to start and end your day, here is my gift to you.

In Praise of Zoloft

Years ago, when I would run into people I hadn’t seen in a while they would often remark that while I was still myself, I was so much more relaxed and at ease than they recalled.

The reason for this is because for much of my life I lived with a base level of anxiety. For me that manifested as: vague constant dis-ease/worry, insomnia, sporadic panic attacks, being overly controlling of others (as a means to soothe myself), and an eating disorder (also to soothe myself). While I had all these symptoms, I was entirely functional – able to hold down a good job, earn my masters degree, and have close and healthy friendships. And while my anxiety was somewhat normal if you looked at TV or movies, it was also exhausting.

So how did I get to today where life feels pretty easeful and I’m relatively at home in my own skin – even when life is hard? I sewed a patchwork quilt. One square at a time of information, experience, aides, and awareness. Each person’s path out of chronic anxiety (or depression) is unique and there ought not be any judgement about one’s choices on the journey. No one road works for all and what matters is that quilt square come together to forms something that works. I released any shame I had about mental illness. I worked with some talented and wise psychotherapists and coaches that felt great to be in the room with. I attended a 10-month Dialectical Behavioral Therapy skills group. I seriously think the DBT skills should be a mandatory part of public education. I practiced and pondered mindfulness. I found meditation groups. I read. I got quiet. I practiced and pondered compassion and loving-kindness. I connected. I stopped isolating myself with the idea that I couldn’t show others that I was struggling. I reached out. I was real with others. I stopped creating a life where I only let my flaws hang out when I was alone. I stopped pretending like I had it all together, because I didn’t and that kind of isolation will kill anyone. I paid attention to what worked and what didn’t work for me. I learned I have a lot of HSP characteristics. I learned I do better working for myself. I learned that taking long afternoon naps and putting my needs first leads to happier days, happier friends, and happier clients. I took a hard look at my family. I saw that the parent I shared so many traits with had anxious tendencies themself – markers that I might have inherited some of what I was experiencing.

And I started taking Zoloft (generic name Sertraline).

I named this post ‘In praise of Zoloft’ because I think my decision to take medication to treat my anxiety is actually the most unique part of my story. While millions of people around the world are medicated for mood disorders, I was an unlikely candidate. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area where there’s an acupuncturist on every corner. I earned my Master’s degree in Holistic Health Education where I took courses in stress reduction and relaxation, Ayurveda, and nutrition. I meditated. I ate greens. I went to yoga class. I was primed to take an “all natural” and alternative approach to my anxiety.

But for me, many years ago, the floor finally dropped out of my life and Zoloft got me on solid ground. I’m lucky in that I’ve not experienced one side effect from taking it and I feel like myself, only more even keel. I’m still creative. I still feel all my emotions and cry as needed. I still have worries. I think as clearly as I always have, perhaps more so. It’s just that a dose each day makes my life much better.

Anxiety and depression are certainly aspects to spiritual awakening and I wish more people would look there first. That said, I had experienced symptoms my entire life and Zoloft has played a significant role in getting me where I wanted to go. I believe that medication is not for everyone (though meditation probably is). I believe that Zoloft is not the medication for everyone (consult a professional please). I firmly believe, truly, to each their own. But I wanted to share some of my story so others could see that taking advantage of modern medicine isn’t a failure and it won’t turn you into a zombie. And sometimes, it might just give you back your life.

What I Know About Weight

I've spent the past 10 years immersed in the study of how people relate to our hungers, food, bodies, and yes, weight. I've looked at these topics academically, professionally, personally, spiritually, and just about every which way you can...here is what I know:

1. I know it’s entirely useless to know what you weigh. I know that most people will disagree with me on that point. I know that I'm okay with that.

2. I know that giving up knowing your weight is one the most liberating and radical acts of self-care we can do. (Imagine living the rest of your life not knowing your weight, could you do it?)

3. I know weight fluctuates our whole lives and throughout each day.

4. I know you can find a healthy person at nearly every weight. I know you can find an unhealthy person at nearly every size. I know size is not a predictor of health.

5. I know beauty really does have nothing to do with size. If one doesn’t see beauty when looking at a human body the only thing that needs changing is the eyes of the beholder.

6. I know that too many use weight to measure their enoughness.

7. I know that too many try to control their weight because they can’t control the world around them.

8. I know that the happiest I’ve ever been did not coincide with the thinnest I’ve ever been. Not even close. In fact, my happiness doesn’t depend on my size. Fancy that.

9. I know each of us has a set-point happy-place weight, determined by an unknowable mix of genetics and lifestyle. No amount of exercise and starvation will necessarily change this. Nor do we need it to. I know that for many their body's happy place weight is well-above what our society deems okay.

10. I know sizeism is one of the last forms of socially acceptable prejudice. I know we must change this. I know weight prejudice and stigma are killing people.

11. I know we are living in a world that is crying out for people to shift their energy and attention from weight-loss and weight shame to engaged, compassionate, embodied, and awake living.

Vitamin P

Pleasure is a food group.

We need servings of it every single day. And most of us aren’t getting it. We’re malnourished of Vitamin P. We’re actually starving for pleasure. By taking care of everyone else. By striving to be loved, liked, approved of, to be the ‘good’ girl, to be the ‘bad’ girl. By seeking to numb ourselves and distract from what's here. It’s exhausting, we're exhausted, and all this clouds out pleasure. We don’t receive pleasure when we do ‘shoulds’, have ‘to do’s, or when we try to fit in, suck it up, suck it in. Low carb and pureed kale. Shoes so uncomfortable they make you want to cut your big toe off. The job that looks good on paper. Faking it in all the many ways we do. Denying our self what we truly hunger for. This is where so many of us live and this is a pleasure desert.

What we need is to feel good. To feel delicious. To feed our our five senses. For me lounging in bed. It’s turning my face to the sunrise. It’s a steaming mug of chai. It’s a skilled massage. It’s face oil that smells sweet. It’s practicing seeing beauty in every person. It’s sudden laugh attacks. It’s playing bingo at the senior center. It’s clean sheets. It’s ranunculus. It’s bearded wirey dogs. It’s dancing with my daughter. It’s the smell of creosote in the desert after it rains. It’s a firm mattress. It’s the rare day where I do absolutely nothing. My five senses and your five senses require pleasure.

Pleasure is quite simply a daily medicine needed for living well and being full.

And we need to be intentional about it. Not just taking what crumbs of pleasure come our way. We need to live has sensualists. We must treat pleasure like we do drinking water - essential and something we don't apologize for needing.

Think of how your life might be different if you got a mega-dose of pleasure every day? Would you have more bounce in yours step? More radiant energy? Less tension in your muscles? What if you asked yourself each night before you go to sleep: “What will please me tomorrow?” What if you started each day by asking yourself: “What would please me right now?" Or "How can what I wear today bring me pleasure?", "How can what I eat today be a full-on pleasurable experience?", and "Is the music I'm listening to releasing my endorphins?" Ask yourself: "How can the everyday moments in my life, the ones that string together to form what we call “busy” be pleasurable?" Moments like taking a shower. Like getting dressed or eating breakfast. Moments like driving in the car. Start small (or big). Eat pleasure. Listen to pleasure. Feel pleasure. Smell pleasure. Look at pleasure. Surround yourself and infuse your life with pleasure. This is a life with luster and this is a big part of what makes life worth living.

Pleasure teaches us that life doesn't have to feel like swimming up stream. I used to think it did. I used think that toxic levels of stress, a wildly abusive inner critic, and days spent striving for perfection were normal and what life was all about. No. More. With pleasure as my carrot I don't need a stick. And neither do you.

Stuck on what you’d find pleasurable? Don’t use your head. Use your body. Like a homing beacon just continue to tune into what FEELS good.

Separating Feeling Hungers from Feeding Hungers

We have all been there. Waiting in the grocery store check-out line when a young child sees a candy bar with shiny wrapping and in the blink of a reflex, reaches out to grab it. They see it. They want it. And just as quickly as their hand touches the wrapper their parent reaches down, removes their sticky grip on the treat, and says some version of “Not today honey.” or “We don’t need any candy right now.” and BOOM.

The child erupts in abject terror and tantrum. As children, often the very notion that we can’t have what we want, when we want it, is horrifying and incredibly painful. Tears, shrieking, and if they can, writhing on the floor. It’s the end of their world as they know it, at least for that few minutes. Not getting what they want is unthinkable.

This is one of the most powerful teaching moments I use in my work. I share this common scene again again because I want to talk about how this often plays out when we’re adults:

1. We disconnect from the hunger. If we can’t satisfy it, better to not even feel it, right? :: “I don’t want a partner, I’m happy being single” (Sometimes true, but sometimes a cover up for a hunger we can’t satisfy at the moment.)

2. We over do it. If we can’t have it right now, then later on we have it times ten. :: “Fuck it. I’m eating the whole bag.”

3. We think not now means not ever. :: “That ship has sailed. I need to just make do.”

4. We conflate our self-worth with what we can’t have in the moment. :: “I didn’t get the job because I’m not enough!”

5. We become the mother at the grocery store, always denying our adult selves what we want, BUT because we hate feeling denied so much we make denial the norm and become numb to it. :: “I don’t eat carbs...EVER.”

None of these scenarios leaves us feeling particularly well-fed.

When we can separate out our awareness of our hunger and taking any particular action towards it a lot of possibilities open up to us.

Feeling our hungers is separate from satiating them. Let me say that again.

Feeling our hungers is separate from satiating them.

We must be able to breathe around our hungers. Give them space. Be curious about them. We must do this if we are ever to satiate them. If we rush from feeling to satiating, we often fail to identify the true hunger at all. Desperation, grasping, and hurrying are an invitation to notice what is making the present moment (wherein true hungers are identified) so uncomfortable to be in.

When we're young, wanting and having are so enmeshed that their isn’t space to take a breath between them. And as adults we don’t often cultivate this space, even though it’s available to us and so very useful. Simply put, one of the main reasons for all of our seemingly peculiar responses to the momentary denial of our desires is that as adults we don’t hold feeling our hungers and fulfilling our hungers as separate acts.

S L O W d o w n..

Our hungers are patient.

Our hungers simply want to be seen, heard, and cared about.

If you're exhausted at the end of the day, attempting to give your 4 year-old twins a bath and you feel a deep hunger for _______, and there isn't time or energy at the moment, instead of shoving the hunger away, simply say to your hunger"I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. I will feed you as soon as I can. I won't forget you."

Our hungers trust us. (It's us that too often doesn't trust them).

If you're aware that you're hungry for _______, but you have no idea how to feed it, simply say to your hunger"I see you. I hear you. You matter to me. I will spend time thinking about how to feed you. I won't give up on you or us."

You aren't the desperate child anymore. In a just few breaths you have all the space you need to check in with yourself, to dialogue with your hungers, and then, and only then, to decide how to proceed in feeding them. First things first.

Primary Hungers

What are you TRULY hungry for?

No, really. I know I ask this question of you a lot.

But please pause. breathe. ask it again. What is it you are TRULY hungry for?

Emphasis on the TRULY.

Here are a few things I hear from women: “weightloss.” “1,000 more readers for my blog.” “date night with my husband.”

There’s nothing wrong with these desires, but they aren’t what I call true hungers. These are secondary hungers. True hungers are primal and can be fed in many ways, not just through the single door of the secondary hunger we may have identified. In fact, this is why so many women are hungry. They go to feed the secondary hunger without addressing the core primary hunger and are often left unsatisfied because the secondary hunger isn’t what they want after all.

For example. If a woman desires for weightloss, her primary hunger may be to feel good in her body, or to feel vital, or for companionship (if she believes weightloss is a prerequisite). The primary hunger below a desire for weightloss can be a multitude of things. And, importantly, she can feed the primary hunger without, in this example, ever losing weight. Yes, you read that right. We can feel great in our bodies, feel vital, and have companionship without losing a pound.

If a woman desires 1,000 more readers for her blog, the primary hunger might be for recognition, or it might be to feel a part of a community, or it might be for approval. All of which can be fed without hitting a thousand. If a woman desires a date night with her husband, perhaps the primary hunger is connection, or physical touch, or intimacy, or play, or communion and so forth. It’s not to say she can’t lose weight, get 1,000+ readers, and have endless dates with her man, it’s to say she doesn’t need these things to satisfy the primary hungers and that’s what counts.

This practice of digging deeper is essential to being well-fed. We must look under the covers, peel back the layers, and expose what wants to be fed. Geneen Roth beautifully says, “Love is love and food is food” because love is often the primary hunger that people attempt to satisfy with food, a secondary and mismatched desire. I started this informal, certainly-not-complete, list of primary hungers to help get you thinking. These are all possible answers to the magic question “What are you TRULY hungry for?”

Abundance, Adventure, Affection, Beauty, Belonging, Carbohydrates, Change, Clarity, Cleanliness, Collaboration, Comfort, Connection to community, Connection to family, Connection to nature, Connection to one’s body, Connection to one’s Self, Connection to others, Connection to The Divine/god, Cooling, Crafting, Creativity, Dancing, Energy, To know one’s enoughness, Fat, Food, Friendship, Gathering, Intimacy, Joy, Laughter, Learning/Comprehension, Love, Meaning, Movement, Music, Nature, Permission, Play, Protein, Purpose, Quiet, Recognition/Being seen, Restoration, Ritual, Salt, Satiation, Security/Safety, Sex, Singing, Spaciousness, Speaking/Communicating, Stillness, Stimulation, Structure, To adorn, To feel good, To just be, To let go, Touch, Tradition, Truth, Vitality, Warmth, Water, White space.

Once you've narrowed in on a primary hunger (and it certainly doesn't have to come from this list), be with it.

Ask yourself - What does this hunger feel like? What images come to mind when I think of feeding this? How many different ways can I imagine there are to feed this hunger?

Just for today, consider feeding the hunger below the hunger.

Emotional Auto-Immune Diseases

Allergies. Rheumatoid Arthritis. Lupus. Crohn’s Disease. Eczema. Type 1 Diabetes. Do you or someone you know have one of these conditions? Mostly likely yes. Those of us in the developed world are plagued by these and other autoimmune diseases.

Autoimmune diseases occur when our own immune system fails to recognize a part of our own tissues or cells as part of us, and instead sees it as a foreign enemy. Attacking. These are cases of mistaken identity. We become our own enemy when in reality, we’re not.

I wonder though why we don’t have a classification for emotional autoimmune disorders? I’ve rarely met a human being who didn’t suffer emotionally from confusing themselves with the enemy, and following suit with attack.

Both physical and emotional autoimmune diseases are equally misguided attempts to protect ourselves. Our immune system thinks it’s helping. Emotionally speaking, we so often think that if we shame ourselves, judge our hungers, and self-loathe that we’re making ourselves somehow better or safer. We speak to ourselves with disparagement because we want to be loved or just liked. We mistrust our hungers because we fear that feeding them will make us unlovable or judged by others. We all have our own best interest at heart it’s just that our emotional immune system too often gets confused and thinks that we are the enemy of our self. I may not be a doctor and I don’t know much about treating Lupus or Crohn’s Disease, but I do know a few tricks to get us on the road to recovery from an emotional autoimmune disease.

1. Practice seeing ourselves as an ally and not the enemy.

2. Know that any internal voice that is not kind, loving, or compassionate towards us is not speaking the truth.

3. Know that when we emotionally attack ourself our deeper intentions are good. We want the best for ourselves. We want to be safe and somewhere along the way various sorts of self-attacks appeared the path to get there. They aren’t.

4. Healing depends on our willingness to practice. We must notice our attacks, however subtle or seemingly harmless, and practice ending them without judgement. Notice. Let go. Make peace. Notice. Let go. Make peace. Mess-up. Start again. Notice. Let go. Make peace.

11 Books That Changed My Life

I asked for a therapist for Christmas when I was in the 8th grade. I was having a fall out with my best friend and just intuitively knew it would help me sort through things.

Therapy and coaching have played the biggest role in helping me heal and grow but second place goes to books.

I venture to guess that for every exhale I’ve made I’ve given a book recommendation. Few of these books will be new to you, I imagine. Some are best sellers. Others are Oprah-approved. Do not be turned off by this or their location in the 'self-help' department. These books are popular because they are excellent and they labeled 'self-help' because they assist you to do just that. Through these books I’ve experienced paradigm shifts. I’ve had concepts explained to me that I could never have understood from any other voice. These books gave me words when I had none. I’ve been validated, found kinship, and felt my connection to you and you and you simply because of the books I have read.

Anytime I’m near a used bookstore I seek out these titles so that I can always have a copy on hand to give away. Are any of these on your bookshelf?

1. A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life Purpose by Eckhart Tolle

2. The Purpose of Your Life: Finding Your Place In The World Using Synchronicity, Intuition, And Uncommon Sense by Carol Adrienne

3. Broken Open: How Difficult Times Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser

4. Women, Food, & God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth

5. Sabbath: Finding Rest, Renewal, and Delight in our Busy Lives by Wayne Muller

6. Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach

7. Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that works by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch

8. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown

9. There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hatred by Cheri Huber

10. Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live by Martha Beck

11. Essential Spirituality: The 7 Central Practices to Awaken Heart and Mind by Roger Walsh

Cake for Breakfast

“Do you see a distinction between healthy hungers and unhealthy hungers?” a podcast host asked me years ago.

“Give me an example of an unhealthy hunger?” I said.

“Like, I’m hungry in the morning and so yes, I am going to have that cake, I want the whole thing!” she replied with a slightly giddy laugh at the thought of this devious act.

I smiled and said “I don’t think cake for breakfast is a bad thing. Are you connecting or disconnecting? Are you moving closer to your Self or farther away from your Self?"

That's the difference between a one hunger and another hunger: does it move you closer or further away from your Self? Does it connect you to your Self or disconnect you from your Self?”

It’s that simple. And, yes, it’s that complex...in that you can’t just follow prescribed rules of good foods and bad foods. Or good portion sizes and bad portion sizes. Or good times to eat and bad times to eat. Or good cooking methods and bad cooking methods. Or good food sources and bad food sources.

You have stay present. You have to listen inward. You have to remove judgement’s place at the table. Is this hunger moving me towards my Self or away? Listen. Ask. Allow. Allow. Allow. Feed yourself.

There is no reason that cake for breakfast can’t be the most nourishing act in the world.

This applies, of course, to hungers for things other than food. Hungers to quit your job. Hungers to buy something shiny and new. Hungers to be with friends. Hungers to be intimate. Hungers to wait. Hungers to go. Hungers to stay. Hungers to run away. or towards.

Which direction are you moving?