What I've been chewing on lately...

May 14, 2015
There is Nothing Wrong With You. The Sex Edition.

nothingwrongwithsex

As you probably know, I work with women and hunger.

ALL hungers. Not just food hungers.

That makes my work infinitely interesting and multifaceted. That’s how’d describe most women too—infinitely interesting and multifaceted.

My clients come to me to explore career hungers, relationship hungers, spiritual hungers, creative hungers, seemingly unnamable hungers, and, yes, sexual hungers.

And we, life coach types, are often known to say “There is nothing wrong with you” to our clients caught in the ego’s illusions. (An aside, Cheri Huber wrote an excellent book by this name.)

But rarely—perhaps because it’s a topic still so shrouded in shame—do we, life coaches or otherwise, come out and extend this fact to our sexual selves.

So allow me:

There is nothing wrong with your sexuality.

There is nothing wrong with who or what you’re attracted to.

There is nothing wrong with what you fantasize about, and whether you want those fantasies to come to life or simply remain in your imagine.

There is nothing wrong with the way your body smells, looks, tastes, or feels.

There is nothing wrong with the shape, appearance, or size of your genitals.

There is nothing wrong with how you like to be touched or how frequently.

There is nothing wrong with your own twisty, turvy, sometimes confusing path to your own sexual awakening.

There is nothing wrong with what gets you off or how frequently you orgasm.

There is nothing wrong with having different sexual preferences than your partner.

There is nothing wrong with having different desires than your parents or society condone.

There is nothing wrong with having an ebb and flow in your interest in having sex.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing your sexual self well or with evolving or changing as a sexual being.

We’re told and sold on such a narrow and messed up concept of women’s sexuality, if we’re even given any concept at all. We don’t have role models in this culture for healthy, real sexuality, so many women are left to come to their own conclusion, which is often that something is wrong with them. Add to this that women’s bodies have been ground zero for centuries of abuse, trauma, shame, neglect, fear, and war.

Here’s the deal: for most women sex is, at least some of the time, a journey, complicated, exhilarating, vulnerable, messy, confusing, uncharted territory, scary, changing, painful, never-like-the-movies, and of course, pleasurable.

Thankfully, there is a sex-positive movement and a growing number of excellent books, sex educators, sex coaches, and sex therapists committed to helping women heal and awaken their sexual selves. If you want support it exists. But please note, wanting to learn, heal, shift, feast, or grow sexually in no way means that there is something wrong with how things are for you right now. Do listen to those calls, but don’t equate them with a problem.

There is nothing wrong with your sexuality. Not. One. Thing.