If you follow my work you know that I’m huge fan of the pioneering researcher Dr. Linda Bacon . Her findings are integral to the work of the Health at Every Size community. This year she came out with her second book, a collaboration with Dr. Lucy Aphramor, entitled: Body Respect: What Conventional Health Books Get Wrong, Leave Out, and Just Plain Fail to Understand about Weight.
When I heard this book was coming out I was quick to preorder and devour it. When the publisher asked if I wanted a copy I said, “Thank you, I already one and I love it, but if you want to send one over for one of my readers please do!”
I decided I wanted to give the book out to a newsletter subscriber who sent in their own definition of a Well-fed Woman. I received dozens of submissions and I decided I’d pick at random, not wanting to play favorites. Winner aside, I had to share a some of these beautiful interpretations with you…
“A Well-Fed Woman: A woman who unapologetically claims her brilliance, bravely opens and shares her most vulnerable moments, is willing to lick her fingers of pleasure, wears an apron with gratitude for her divine imperfection, and knows that self-worth is an essential ingredient in life.”
“To me, a well-fed woman is one who feeds herself on the levels of body, mind, heart and soul. She doesn’t deny herself pleasure, and she nourishes herself with food, people, and experiences that makes her feel alive!”
“My definition of a well-fed woman: one who loves herself fully, even if others taught her not to, and tries to listen to the subtle messages from her body and soul in order to live fully with delicious desires and an intent to fulfill them.”
“A well fed woman is a woman whose body vibrates with love and passion for herself, her family, and her community. She is well fed in the sense that she takes the time to honor herself with food and patience (or is working on it everyday). She is well fed in the sense that when the inevitable struggles of daily life create a deficit in joy, she can count on a warm reception from herself and those who love her to fill in that space with extra care, even if it is hard sometimes. A well fed woman is delighted to see the ancestry and genetic gifts and treasures given to her from a long line of women before her….the soft, the hard, the plump, the flat, the everything in between. A well fed women connects with her source of the divine and is full.”
“A well-fed woman tends her own garden, knows when her well is drying out, and knows which gardener down the street might have some water to lend.”
“A well-fed woman is an empowered woman, immersed in self-care and receptive to nourishment from others and the world.”
“A well fed woman responds to her bodies cues with compassion, like tending to a child with leadership and love.”
How would you define a Well-fed Woman?
Being in control feels awesome.
Determining the outcome of things because we’re in control, double awesome.
When we feel in control, our nervous system is as calm as if we were a baby snuggled in our mother’s arms. Control feels safe and safe is where it’s at for many of us.
Unfortunately our sense of control, especially as it pertains to outcomes, is most often an illusion.
I know a thing or two about pursuing control. I spent a good chunk of my life white knuckling the steering wheel. I was in hot (and often rigid) pursuit of controlling my weight, other’s perceptions of me, and how successful I was at whatever endeavor I’d embarked on.
Perhaps you can relate.
Sadly, the tight grip I tried to have on everything–and everyone–didn’t produce the results I’d hoped.
My weight yo-yo’ed, people judged me, boyfriends left me, employers fired me. Try as I might, seeking to control the end game never seemed to work out for me.
These days I have a radically different approach.
I make choices about how I show up and what my boundaries are, releasing all outcome, as much as possible.
Success today is defined as whether or not I did my part, not whether a certain result came to be.
In my very real, and very imperfect life this looks like…
Practicing eating intuitively and releasing any control of my body’s weight.
Committing to showing up with my clients with presence, curiosity, and love. Releasing whether or not they’ll get anything out of working with me.
When I was single, this looked liked choosing how I wanted to show up on dates and releasing whether it went anywhere. Whether the outcome was rejection or a second date, success’ hat was hung on how I chose to show up.
In a relationship, this looks like a personal requirement that my partner and I do work with a couples therapist long before there are any major issues and releasing whether or not we’ll be together in 60 years. It looks like telling the truth, even if it’s not what he wants to hear because I want whatever outcome is the result of the truth.
This practice is entirely about having awareness and commitment of how we want to be in our lives.
I want to be honest. I want to be present. I want to be relaxed. I want to be compassionate. I want to allowed to be human. I want to be creative.
And I can play a part in all these things. I can play a major part in how I’m showing up.
I can’t however, determine or predict what will happen tomorrow around the bend. I don’t know how others will receive me or my work. There is so much I don’t know, and accepting that–living without attempting to be psychic–is freedom.
The impact of my being is not in my control and to chase it would be fruitless and exhausting. Of course, I only know this from the painful years I clung to controlling outcomes.
Something unseen in all this is the belief that I’m enough.
If I didn’t believe that I was enough I would still be chasing that through all the same old dead-end alley ways.
In my coaching practice I see this showing up when a client is utterly terrified of dating (while hungering for partnership). Terrified she’s being awkward or that she’ll be rejected. Terrified. The solution isn’t to avoid dating. The solution is to figure out what she can control and make that the definition of success.
This same phenomenon shows up when clients have career or creative hungers that paralyze them with fear. This is a sign that success (and safety) is defined as a certain outcome rather than simply the act of going for it with heart.
So I propose this:
If you’re exhausted from trying to control your weight, stop. Try instead to eat in a way that feels good, tastes good, and honors your body. If you can do that (and you can), what your body weighs will matter a whole lot less.
If there’s a creative project you’re pregnant with or a career move calling to you, play with defining success as trying something new, or as Brene Brown says, as getting into the arena.
Today, success for me is hitting publish on this post. It’s far from perfect. It might not even be useful to some people stopping by. But it’s honest and communicates something that has been liberating for me. And thankfully, my sense of my own enoughness doesn’t rest on these 700 words. And that feels way more awesome than being in control.
As I turn my attention to the end of our year the metaphor of a well occupies my mind.
I love the rhythm–that we draw from a source and that source replenishes. When the source runs dry, so do we.
The drinking well is a practice that helps to gently remind us to keep our own well full. The practice in it’s most simplistic terms is to have a drinking vessel that is chosen to represent the well and is used throughout the end of the year, daily, to support staying literally and metaphorically hydrated.
In more expanded directions…
Find a drinking vessel. It can be a mug, tea cup, tumbler, mason jar, water bottle, or even a bowl if it’s something you like drinking from.
It can be something you own or a new special acquisition.
Hold it in your hands. Ask it: when I drink from you, will you fill me up?
If the answer is yes, then it can be your drinking well.
Now give it a bath. Not a “doing the dishes” scrub, but a slightly ceremonious cleansing. Extra hot water. Loving touch. Purifying thoughts. Ending with a clean cotton towel pat down.
Your drinking well is ready.
Keep it near you. Drink from it often. Clean it with care.
When you do drink. Pause. Taste. Breathe out.
Notice where your skin meets the surface of the vessel.
Notice how the liquid feels washing down your throat.
Notice where your deeper well needs filling and where you might have sprung a leak.
When we fill our drinking well, we are reminded that there is an ebb and flow of energy that must be respected, especially this time of year.
The practice is this: when we fill our drinking well and our drinking well fills us.
You can see some of my favorite drinking wells over here on Pinterest.
I need a quiet thanksgiving for two, with braised turkey legs and twice baked sweet potatoes. And pie.
I need slightly over-full days of coaching, not because it’s easy right now, but because it’s just right.
I need to continue the pilgrimage I’m walking with my latest project. Long days, one after the other, picking my foot up and putting it down. Compass pointed toward a mecca of mine I’ve been wanting to reach for a long time.
I need a few stolen days of cuddles and laughter and making out, just enough to fuel the fire for the long trek.
I need time at my sewing machine because it’s the backbend to all of my many forward bends. Even if I hunch over it.
I need hard conversations. The kind that turn the universe on it’s head and demand fresh answers to unvisited questions.
I need people in my life who do what I don’t do as well. They the base of my pyramid, allowing me to reach higher.
I need tickles, given and received from a heart-on-wobbly-legs toddler.
I need candles that I’ve blessed, sesame oil on my skin, new perfume for a new chapter, and homemade minestrone.
I need stillness and alone time, married to tables wrapped in my favorite people.
I need a yoga practice that asks nothing more of my body than to show up and respond to what is felt.
I need to let love in. Truly. Open the doors, throw back the shutters and say, “Come in, it’s cold out there. Would you like a cup of tea?”
This is what I need this holiday season. What do you need?