A guest post written by Teryll Sacks
When I received the invitation to write a guest post for Rachel’s blog, I was honored and excited! It was an opportunity to blog again and to write about something other than cooking and recipes.
And then, I read the first two guest blog posts on Rachel’s site and immediately I said out loud, “Who the fill-in-the-blank am I? What the fill-in-the-blank do I have to say?” I don’t teach soulful e-courses, or write inspiring books and I haven’t been featured on any well-known websites or media outlets. The “unworthy gremlins” emerged from their mousetraps and I started to panic. The “perfection gremlins” arrived uninvited and began gnawing at my anxious heart. I remembered two things that Rachel said about our inner critics at the last Retreatshop I attended: that when we listen to them (the inner critics), we play it safe and that the inner critics are often loudest around the things that matter most to us. And I don’t want to end 2013, playing it safe.
So here I am – several deep breaths later, having scratched my original idea and taking a chance on something a wee bit personal. When I attended the Wise Body, Wise Hungers retreat in September, I was really keen on connection. I deeply desired to connect with other women, but more importantly to connect with myself and my body.
During the retreat Rachel led us through a guided imagery session focused around one hunger that we were playing with for the weekend (initially I was tossing around the idea of playing with a hunger to be seen/heard). After that guided imagery, Rachel asked us some potent questions around the experience and we spent some time journaling. While journaling, I discovered that the hunger I was playing with was a secondary hunger and that the primary hunger was really about knowing that I am enough and that I am worthy. Tears were streaming down my face as I wrote the “story” behind the belief that I wasn’t good enough, worthy or that I was too much. I physically felt my chest tighten and my throat nearly close up as I was telling the truth (it still blows me away how the body knows, feels and reveals what is really going on inside of us, we just need to be still and listen). And the truth is for quite some time, I’ve “reined” it in, I’ve played it safe.
Later that day, the amazing Anna Guest-Jelley (our fearless curvy yoga leader) led us through our afternoon yoga session. While reclining in shivasana (one of my most favorite poses), Anna invited us to listen, not just to the physical signs and sounds around us, but to listen within. I felt the cool breeze across my face; I felt the soft rays of sunshine peering through the windows onto my body; and I heard the delicate song of a few birds fluttering nearby. It was ever so slight, but I heard and felt my body tell me, “you are enough, there’s nothing you need to say or do, nothing to prove, you are enough”. It was a powerful experience, it held so much joy and I remember sharing with Rachel and Anna that I finally “got it”. It was a sacred reunion of body, mind and spirit. Shortly after that experience, I wrote a poem and in the spirit of not playing it safe, I want to share it with you:
I am enough.
I am not too much or too little.
I am enough just as I am.
In this body.
In this vessel of love, kindness and grace.
There is nothing I can do or say that will change it – I am enough.
I was born enough.
I will die enough.
There’s enough space to hold me.
There’s enough space to hold you.
There’s enough space to hold each other in this beautiful mess called life.
My prayer and hope for us all is that we turn down the dial on those gremlins (aka the inner critics) and allow our hungers to step into the spotlight. Our hungers are wise and as Rachel always says they are a compass for what is needed right now. May the holidays bring you ease, rest, joy and love.
By day Teryll Sacks is a paralegal, by night a devoted foodie, curvy yogi and adventure seeker. Though she has taken a year-long sabbatical from her blog, Madame Munchies, you can still check it out for recipes and other antidotes about cooking and life.