As a coach, this is the time of year my clients start to fret about the upcoming holidays. And I can relate. I’ve had my share of Thanksgiving dinners where the tension in the air was harder to cut than the turkey. I’ve had more white winter family gatherings where one or more people were crying or not speaking to another.

So where do we get tripped up? What are these pitfalls? Here are five that I see a lot and each of us has the power to shift away from these and towards a more joyful holiday.

If your holiday is only a success if {insert family member name} does or doesn’t {insert behavior} then you’re already set up for disappointment and resistance to the present moment. Others will do as they do and our power reigns only over our own personal domain. This is good news – trust me – because it means your free. You only have to worry about you and that’s more than enough for most of us. Be intentional about where your happiness is coming from.

If you’re an American who’s lucky enough to still have a job, then chances are you are only allotted meager crumbs of vacation days each year. It’s common to spend our precious vacation week or two on these end of year holidays. That said, we don’t often use that time as it’s intended for — to recharge, to rest, to assume various positions of leisure. Plan now. Say no. Be intentional about getting an actual vacation.

Gifts. Portraits. Parties. Shoulds. Shouldn’ts. Know where you get your deeper meaning from. Know what makes a holiday well spent. Know that if you had to give up every single thing that didn’t really matter what you’d need left over to have a meaningful holiday. I doubt it could be wrapped up with a bow or RSVPd to. Be intentional about making this holiday meaningful.

A 6 course meal for 16. Gifts for all 8 cousins. A red-eye flight on the holiday’s eve. Getting through this season without eating sugar. Thank you letters in the mail the week after the holiday. Where are you setting the bar for yourself? Where are you making yourself the martyr? Be intentional about being human and owning that you’re enough without that extra long jump.

A party at 5 and another at 7. Rigidly sticking to traditions that you’ve outgrown. Firm ‘no’s and haphazard ‘yes’s without checking in with your heart. Be intentional about leaving room for the dance of life, for the wonder that can’t be scheduled, and for the beauty that comes when the branch bends.

xo, Rachel